Christmas Jokes

Father christmas cartoon

capewelld — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 11:15:13 +0000

New Years Resolutions For Pets

capewelld — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 09:15:19 +0000

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…

1. I will NOT chase the stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Chess nuts…

capewelld — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 10:54:12 +0000

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day’s competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn’t take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests….instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy.

The clerk responded, “I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Cracker Joke!

capewelld — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 12:50:20 +0000

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy

Santa’s Favorite Pizza…

capewelld — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 12:49:34 +0000

What is Santa’s favorite pizza?

One that is deep pan, crisp and even.

Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

capewelld — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:40:55 +0000

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..

6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy – can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — – Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Christmas Bonus

capewelld — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 22:48:46 +0000

Three dustmen are doing their last round before Christmas. The first goes to a house, knocks and finds himself being invited in by a stunning blonde, who takes him upstairs and gives him a good seeing to.
Afterwards, he rushes out and brags to his two pals about it. So the second
decides to try his luck. Sure enough, the same thing happens to him.
Finally, the dustcart driver, reckoning he’s on to a sure thing, gets out and knocks on the door. The woman answers, smiles and gives him a fiver.
Severely disappointed, the man asks: ‘How come I just get money, when you gave my pals a proper Christmas bonus?’
‘Well,’ the woman replies, ‘when I asked my husband about tipping you all, he said ‘Give the driver £5 – screw the other two’.’

Christmas Illness!

capewelld — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 22:48:01 +0000

Q: What do you get if you eat the Christmas decorations?
A: Tinsellitis

Down the Chimney

capewelld — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 22:45:42 +0000

Q: Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him

What? No Turkey?

capewelld — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 22:44:14 +0000

Q: Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
A: The turkey – he’s always stuffed