Quick Thinking…

December 18, 2007

Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St. Peter. “In honor of the season”, St. Peter says to them, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas.”

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

“What do they symbolize?”, St. Peter asks him.

“They’re candles!”

“Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!”

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

“What do they symbolize?”, St. Peter asks.

“They’re bells!”

“Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!”

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman’s panties. He holds them up proudly.

“What do they symbolize?”, St. Peter asks.

“They’re Carol’s!”

Ho Ho Ho!

December 17, 2007

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.
 

Snowmen

December 17, 2007

Two snowmen chatting, one says to the other…

“Can you smell carrots?”

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

December 17, 2007

 Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred pound note in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred pound notes and disappeared into the night.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

“How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Christmas Quotes

December 17, 2007

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’
Dave Barry in “Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide”

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
Dave Barry

Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
“Bart Simpson”

Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive
Stephen Fry

God put Santa Claus on earth to remind us that Christmas is ’sposed to be a happy time.
Bil Keane

One good thing about Christmas shopping — it toughens you for the January sales.
Grace Kriley

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
P.J. O’Rourke

Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors.
Stephen Wright

Star Wars Christmas

December 17, 2007

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats… light sabers drawn and sparks flying.

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke,” he said, “Ohhh, yes! I know!”

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader’s reach,

“How do you know!?” Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas!?”

Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, “The force is with me… I felt your presents.”

Christmas Presents

December 17, 2007

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all..

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Ron.

P.S. – My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.